My name is Jim, and I'm an alcoholic.......

Boy after 3 yrs in AA and 9 yrs around it, it just seems to be an automatic response. I stumbled on to your page by accident, but I'm glad I did...

Your page opened my eyes to something I have been feeling for a long time. I am grateful to AA for giving me the support and incentive to stay away from a drink for about 2 1/2 years, but from about 1 year into the program, I questioned some of the contradictory sayings in AA. My group was faltering when I joined, and I fought to keep it alive, as I felt I needed it to live, but I always wanted to know why??? Why do they say this and then do that??? My sponsor who is 20 years sober, always told me to just accept it, but that's not my nature. Now the group has grown and is doing fine with many new members, who are all basically saying the same thing, but with different words. I'm sure you know what I'm saying.

My sponsor is an OK guy I guess... he has helped me out before with things like getting my credit straightened out, etc., but fits your description of the old timer to a tee. He's had me do shit like go and ask people who have fucked me over for forgiveness for the bad feelings I harbored towards them, etc. But when he related a similar situation to the meeting, I told him to do exactly what he told me to do and he refused.

Also, I told him that my girlfriend was a lousy housekeeper, and now that I wasn't coming home fucked up every night, it really bothered me. The house looks like shit all the time and we have two kids, ages 2 yrs and 6 mo. I don't cheat or abuse her and am a loving father to my kids, but went through a very messy divorce about 6 years ago and haven't really gotten to the point where I'm over the anger and mistrust. (my ex nailed me to the wall, siphoned all my retirement and savings and split with some army guy who ended up beating on her and destroying everything in the house) So his advice was to just marry the lady I'm with now, and then maybe her housekeeping will improve. (not!)

I have always been a bit of an outsider with the local gurus and their kiss-ass followers here in VA. They tend to shun me before and after meetings and I feel it is because I do stand up and question authority and want to know the foundation and reasoning behind some of the repetitive crap they hammer into people. When I ask "why?", they tell me that I just need to accept it.

Now, I have had a rough life, grew up on the west coast and was a member of one of the most feared gangs in those parts. I have done a lot of stuff that I have shared (mistake) with the meeting, that a lot of people there find unthinkable, but hey, welcome to reality. So no one really confronts me when I jam up a "guru" with a question. I guess my stature (6' 3"/ 195 lb.) and the leather and denim intimidate them. I have a good story, and many have come up to me after the meeting and told me that they were glad I shared, but I am still considered a trouble maker by the old timers and their little wannabees because I just wont accept what they say at face value. I ask them to explain in detail the rationalization behind their thinking and get that damned book waved in my face.

When I found your web page, it was like a breath of fresh air... here someone else was saying the same questions that I've been asking, only being blown off, "Keep Coming Back..." God, I wished I could have used that in superior court and had THAT group accept the explanation. To cut it short, it sounds like I'm not alone in my feelings after going through your web site. I look back at the last 2 1/2 yrs and see how I too was "programed", and as long as I went along, members would socialize with me, but if the old timers got upset at what I had to say, the wannabees followed suit.

My life has been better without the booze or drugs for real, but this business of accepting the crap that other people dump on you and then praying that they do well in life doesn't swing with me. For the last few years I have felt like a god dammed machine, no feelings or say as to what goes down in my life... My home life has suffered too, the old lady misses me at night and my son clings to me when I leave for my meeting. I'm tired of the bullshit and want to take control of my life again, not have someone who is giving me preprogrammed advice about handling my life from a book that was composed in the 30's by fuckin' white professional males for the same. Seems to me that if you read between the lines in the Big Book, that's what made up their groups, not the poor hard working slob that these guys got rich on by standing on there backs -- they were expendable.

OK, no more ranting and bitching. Your page gave me renewed hope. I don't want to go back to the old ways of booze and meth, but I don't want to sit in a room and listen to a bunch of cult bullshit either. My life has stood still -- not being allowed to get out there and kick the world's ass, so my kids can have the chance at a good education. Maybe they won't have to go down the path I did. I hope not. Can you suggest any sites where people who have broke free of the cult hold that AA and NA had on them and they meet to chat or e-mail? Your site has probably knocked my life into forward gear again, and I will always be indebted to you.

Best regards,
Jimmy