PROLOGUE

Readers are kindly requested to excuse some possible peculiar or incorrect use of idiom, or punctuation, as English is not the author's 'mother tongue'. For the sake of anonymity and privacy the names of people and locations have been altered.

A 'REAL' ALCOHOLIC?
In cases where people left AA and successfully managed to stay sober, one can often hear AA-ers say, that those people never were 'real' alcoholics in the first place. To deflect a similar judgement from the side of AA-ers, (although the author hates 'sob stories' and 'drunkologues'), it is probably advisable, that he does reveal something about his life related to alcohol use and abuse.

For the greater part of my life I acted conscientiously in respect to alcohol consumption. I never drank on the job, and I never did drink and drive. Looking back, I managed my life reasonably well. I worked hard, invested my savings wisely, and achieved to become financially independent by the age of 38. I mainly made my fortune by dealing in real estate. I liked the taste and the effect of alcohol, and I used drinking as a reward after a hard days work, or after completion of a successful business transaction. However, as the years went by I noticed that the amount of alcohol that I was able to take in before getting drunk became less and less.

About five years ago two things happened in my life.

1. A happy relationship of over 20 years broke off (amicably), and I found myself alone, living by myself
2. I retired from business and began spending at least half of each year travelling overseas.

During those three years I seriously tried several times to control my drinking. I managed to stay sober, sometimes for a couple of days, or for a couple of weeks. Every time I assumed that I had solved my drinking problem, and that I could safely resume controlled drinking. I failed every time. One day it dawned upon me that probably the only solution was to give up drinking alcohol alltogether, and that I needed help to achieve that. I saw my doctor and told him I wanted to join AA. My doctor advised against it. He recommended professional help. By taking the prescribed medication I could lift my depression, and I would be able to stop drinking, he thought. In his opinion the AA environment might not be beneficial to my mental balance, and might be depressive. I unwisely neglected my doctor's advice and I chose to try AA anyway.

WHY CHOOSE AA?
At the time when I realized I needed help I did not know much about AA, nor had I ever met a person who was a member of AA. I did not personally know any 'drunks' at all. During my whole life, following my father's strong advice, I deliberately tried to avoid people who were addicted to alcohol or drugs. I have grown older and wiser now, but in general I never mixed with people who were 'failures and losers', and I always tried to associate with 'achievers and winners'. Was it ever a shock to my system when eventually I met the crowd that attends AA meetings! Funny enough, the sole knowledge I had about AA, I gathered from watching a few episodes of the soap opera 'The Bold and the Beautiful'. In it is a character who becomes an alcoholic (Macy). She attends AA meetings only for a short time, and as a result she seems to be cured from her addiction.

My perception of AA was, that it consisted of a group of people addicted to alcohol, who did help each other by sharing their practical experiences in staying sober. I thought one went to a couple of meetings to hear how other people had coped with overcoming their alcohol problem, and that was it. But as it turned out, it wasn't.

THE FIRST AA MEETING
I inquired at the local AA office about the location and time of meetings, which information was supplied by a rather inquisitive, not so friendly woman. When I arrived at the meeting that night some people asked me if they had seen me before. They fawned all over me when they heard that I was a 'first-timer'. I normally don't like it at all to be fussed over, but that evening I was rather emotional and vulnerable, and their interest in me, and their kindness brought me close to tears.

When the meeting started I was amazed that it was mainly God that was talked about. God here, God there, and God 'as you understood him', God 'may you find him now', and they even had a God with a new name: ' Higher Power'! Being a recovered Catholic and current agnostic, who had not been to mass in over 40 years, I did not like this at all. This was not what I came for.

NOT RELIGIOUS, ONLY SPIRITUAL!
At the end of the first meeting several people came to talk to me. I told them that I found AA to be very religious, and that the meeting had made me feel like attending a Sunday service in church.

They said: 'Oh no! AA is not religious, it is spiritual.'

I said that I did not know what exactly the difference was between religious and spiritual. Some people tried to explain it to me, but I did not understand. (Actually I still do not understand it till this very day.)

There and then I already had a vague feeling that I was lied to. But as said before, I was emotional and vulnerable. People were kind to me, and especially one woman, let's call her Queen Bee [NOTE 1], she hugged and kissed me. To my embarrassment this brought tears to my eyes. I decided to give AA a try. I did not like the religion in the program, but the members seemed so nice and I needed people like them in that particular stage of my early sobriety.

There was literature for sale. One kind lady gave me a little book called: 'Living Sober', [NOTE 2], and some AA pamphlets. They also bombarded me with slogans like: 'Keep an open mind', 'Take what you need, and leave the rest', 'Keep it simple', 'Utilize, don't analyse'. I went home that night a very confused person!

MY SPONSOR
People at AA meetings advised me to get a sponsor as soon as possible, to give me guidance, and to answer my many questions about AA. Lots of people gave me their telephone numbers and invited me to call at any time. One nice young bloke seemed to me to be more educated and intelligent than the others. As I still was in the first two very difficult weeks of my sobriety and needed some practical advice I actually did phone that guy one day. We came to an agreement that he would be my sponsor. His name is Matt. Matt was raised in an atheist family and is ignorant of theology, religion and the bible. He knows his 'Big Book' though, from beginning to end and 'Vice Versa'. He mentioned one day that he was grateful for his alcoholism because it had given him a 'way of life': 'AA', 'HP', and 'the 12 steps'.

As I stayed longer in AA the more religious/spiritual matters became prominent in discussions with my sponsor and other AA-ers. My knowledge of the bible, religious, and theological matters was to my advantage in those discussions and it made me aware that the AA philosophy and the teachings of the Christian churches are not really compatible. In AA one does not find much of Jesus Christ!

THE FIRST CONFLICT.
In those first weeks of sobriety attending AA meetings became a daily routine, and formed the main part of my existence. I often attended two meetings a day. The things I heard people 'share' during those meetings were absolutely amazing. The stories varied from sad, to shocking, bizarre, to sometimes even criminal. The latter stories came from criminals, who had been proselytised by AA from prisons and institutions. But a lot of times I did not hear anything at all of what was said as some people at the AA meetings 'slur', 'whisper', and 'mumble' when telling their stories. But it is against the AA etiquette to call out: "Speak up, please!" [NOTE 3.]

When I discussed this with my sponsor, his comment was: "If God wants you to hear something, then you will hear it."

At that time I was participating in an AA mailing list and mentioned the problem there. An AA old timer answered me. He wrote that his 'sharing' in meetings was only 'for himself', and if any one else profited from it, that was only a bonus. I remembered that I had heard people in meetings say the same thing, and I found it an utterly selfish attitude. The same 'old timer' also quoted from a book called "As Bill sees it", and that a certain Bill had said something similar to a Dr Bob. I was not impressed. I wrote back: "If I am in a meeting and the chair person asks me if I want to share and I say: "Yes", but if at the same time I have the after thought that I am only doing it for myself, and don't take trouble that people can hear me, then I am 'dishonest' and lying about my intentions of 'sharing'. I also wrote the following, what made the 'feathers fly' in all directions: I said: "If Bill says something, is it therefore automatically true? I think his attitude is selfish." [NOTE 4.]

The upheaval this remark caused in the mailing list shocked me. I had already picked up from the 12 steps philosophy that one's own 'serenity', 'tranquillity', and 'peace of mind' come first before anything else. So I immediately quit that mailing list. I realized that that person Bill holds a similar position of infallibility in the AA Fellowship as the Pope has in the Roman Catholic Church.

90 MEETINGS IN 90 DAYS.
I dutifully continued attending one or two AA meetings a day, and when about half of the ninety days were gone by I became very depressed. There are not many pretty or uplifting stories one hears at AA meetings. As I am a very impressionable person I did soak the sadness, failures, and despair of people up like a sponge, day after day. At home by myself I ruminated over all that misery and it made me feel sad.

Till one day I woke up to myself and remembered that my doctor had warned me about this before I joined AA. I also remembered that taking too much of a prescribed medication is risky. I contemplated: "If alcoholism is an illness, and AA is a medication, then going to too many AA meetings can be harmful." I told my sponsor my thoughts. My sponsor's answer will probably be no big surprise: "You are deluding yourself. Alcohol is baffling, cunning, powerful, etc. Keep up your meetings or else ........." But, I took my own council, skipped the 90 days plan, and attended from then on only two or three meetings per week, and felt much better.

DISCREPANCIES.
While attending AA meetings I did not hesitate to point out things from the Big Book or other AA literature that in my opinion did not add up. I also made it clear that as an agnostic I did not accept the principle of a 'Higher Power' and therefore had no inclination to participate in the 12 steps program. This was met with condescending smiles for the 'ravings' of a 'newcomer'. In the Big Book there were examples of atheists and agnostics, I was told, who in a later stage of their life all were converted to '12 Steppers', and 'HP worshippers". They were convinced that in due time I would also 'see the light'.

MENTALLY DISTURBED CHARACTERS.
Quite a few AA members confessed, that they had been, or were treated for mental disorders. Me thought that some others were badly in need of treatment too! Not a meeting went by without 'Queen Bee', who I mentioned before, describing into gory details her sexual promiscuity while she was drunk and married. This annoyed a couple of prim AA ladies enormously. They asked her to stop talking about it, but to no avail. Then there was a guy who was most irritated by my rejection of the 'Higher Power' and the 12 Steps program, and at every meeting declared that he 'hated' a certain person present, looking ME straight in the face. In his opinion that person should shut up and start working the program.

Making snide and sarcastic remarks while 'sharing', I soon got the hang of it myself! I really wonder why the local AA top dogs invited me to share at their meetings at all. Perhaps it was because what I had to offer was different from all the stereotype contributions from the regulars. After most meetings one or two members came up to me to tell me that they had enjoyed hearing me talk.

HOW I GOT OUT OF AA.
At the end of my time with AA I did not drink, but I still had to fight a fierce battle against drinking alcohol. I realized that AA could not help me any further. I learned, via the Internet, that there are several secular organizations for recovering addicts. 'Rational Recovery' proved very helpful to me. However I did not want to give up the AA meetings because I was lonely and had nowhere else to go.

Then a guy called Max came to the AA meetings. He is 40 and holds a respectable professional occupation. He agreed with my ideas about AA. Like me, he also had a Catholic upbringing. He had taken up contact with the old church again, and had become friendly with the fathers of a famous monastery. He said that he was gradually replacing the fellowship of AA with the community of the church, and advised me to try it too.

I found after 40 years of absence from the church a refreshing difference between the meetings of AA and the meetings of the church.

People in AA meetings are completely self-centred. They believe: "MY serenity comes first; MY sobriety goes above anything else; I do this only for MY-self." I! I! I! In the church the focus is completely different. Not one-self comes first. Glory to God, and peace for everybody, goodwill, and brotherhood to each and every man, woman, and child on this globe, even praying for one's enemies.

One prays for peace in Kosovo, and other areas in the world where people suffer. As a Christian one confesses one's indulgencies, be it alcohol, drugs, etc., as a sin, and one does not call it a 'disease'.

I still am an agnostic, and I do not subscribe to most of the Christian church's teachings. I only want to point out the difference in attitude between the Churches and AA. Instead of regularly going to AA meetings I am now going to Church most Sundays, and I feel so much healthier for it.

NOTHING TO LOSE.
Proud AA-ers declare: "In AA one can find people from all walks of life. Lawyers, doctors, engineers, judges, priests, politicians, etc., etc.".

I think this is a lie.

I was disappointed that to the meetings I went I met mostly people like housewives, decent working class blokes, a couple of ex-criminals, and nutcases. I went especially to meetings in high-class suburbs for the chance of meeting the more intelligent and better educated AA members, but I met no members of the professional or upper classes, except a few old and retired ones.

I soon realised that it would be almost professional suicide for a Doctor, or a Lawyer with a successful practice, or for a well-known Politician to go to an AA or AN meeting and confess in public to have a drinking or a drug problem.

One can only afford to go an AA or NA meeting if one has got absolutely nothing to lose, and one has nothing to fear from publicity.

LIFE AFTER AA.
How did my life go 12 months since I stopped drinking, and 9 months after I left AA? I coped very well.

Did I pick up drinking alcohol again? Yes and No.

I went on my annual trip for 4 months to Europe, the USA, Canada and Australia. During my stay with friends and relatives on one occasion a mix up occurred. I thought I was drinking from a bottle of de-alcoholised wine that I had brought along, but by mistake I had been given real wine to drink instead.

AA will have it, that in such a case one can't help oneself, one has a relapse, and goes on a drinking binge. That is not true. Not for me anyhow. As it turned out I can be a 'social drinker'. I am able to handle alcohol as long as I am in the company of trusted friends who are no alcoholics. (I must avoid the company of alcoholics as the plaque!) At a dinner party I can drink one or two drinks before dinner, and one or two glasses of wine with dinner, and have no craving for more afterwards.

It is however a completely different story when I am alone by myself. I don't like to be alone, I get depressed, and the craving for alcohol pops up. I won't have any alcoholic drinks in the house when I am alone. When I entertain and the guests have left I immediately pour all the leftover alcohol in the sink. I rather buy new bottles for the next party then be tempted.

CONCLUSION.
I am still heavily tempted to drink alcohol. I have the desire to stop drinking. This qualifies me for being a member of the AA fellowship. Basta. I often feel lonely. And in case I need company, and have nowhere else to go, I sometimes go to AA meetings. Every time I go to a meeting I am invited to share. But I don't want to do that. My beliefs and convictions are too contrary to the ordinary AA membership, and why upset other people's feelings unnecessary.

I like many of the AA members very much. They are generally good people. But I am sad that AA itself is such a disappointment to me, and to many other people, and that it's success rate is so very low. Only 5%. I will always be grateful that AA members have helped me through the most difficult 4 weeks of my life at the time that I decided to stop drinking alcohol, and I had severe withdrawal symptoms.

AA is a powerful, and cunningly clever organised enterprise. Some people call it a 'Cult'. It is a pity that it has not freed itself years ago from the philosophy and ideas of the obnoxious ex-Oxford Group. Why didn't it try?

I think it is because of the easy money flowing in. AA seems to deny that it is making money. But AA Groups all over the world are daily collecting contributions from members during the meetings. This results in an enormous cash flow, and with the income from the Grapevine Press it amounts to millions of dollars a year.

I am the list-owner of an AA e-mail list for men, and it has been pointed out to me recently that AA does not acknowledge AA e-mail groups, and that there is a lot of discussion going on about it at the AA Head office in New York. One suspects that this is because there are no financial contributions flowing from e-mail list groups!

Thousands of AA members working in the 'addiction therapy industry' have jobs thanks to AA influence with the courts and institutions.

Recently there have been a couple of rulings by courts in the United States that AA is not a 'spiritual' but a 'religious' organization. AA is also criticized by human rights organizations for religious indoctrination of people forced by courts, etc., to attend it's meetings. If all this is leading to a negative effect on the reputation of AA, (and as soon as it's income flow starts to diminish,) then perhaps AA will be ready to change from a near religious 'Cult' into a modern and effective global organization for the benefit of all people with drinking problems. It probably will be a long time before an AA change arrives. May that day come soon.

December 1999.
Adrian Strang.

NOTES
[NOTE 1] She turned out to be the local 'Queen Bee' of AA. She likes to hug and kiss handsome men coming to AA meetings.

[NOTE 2] The booklet 'Living Sober' is the only AA publication I know of, with hardly any God or 'HP' in it. It is packed with practical tips, do's and don'ts for everyday life. This booklet made me believe for a while that AA was indeed 'open minded' and would accept people with different views on religion, or without religion. 'Living Sober' is written by a 'gay' author I was told. That made me wonder if lesbian and gay AA meetings might be less HP and God orientated. I attended a few of their open local meetings, but the meetings I attended were no different from the mainstream AA meetings. Perhaps even worse.

[NOTE 3.] Especially many members of the 'Anglo-Saxon' race are in the habit of speaking in-audibly. The English, and consequently many Australians, consider it rude for one to speak loudly or to raise one's voice. On the other hand citizens of the other English-speaking nation, the USA, in general articulate very well when they speak. They definitely want to be 'heard'. The same goes for the Germans!