Back from my second tour of 12 stepping.... This time I got myself in a real pickle (pun). I started attending a group called F.A. (F.A. stands for Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous) which is yet another program based on AA. You think A.A is a cult, take a look at F.A. Here is a list of "suggestions:"

1. Attend three meetings a week
2. Find a sponsor "that has what you want" - that person will tell you the food plan (the only reason it's not written down is because OA got sued by a dead anorexic girl's parents in the 80"s) because the plan is word of mouth, everyone is doing something different.
3. Write down your food each night
4. Weigh and measure your food, nothing in between, no flour, no sugar and avoidance of all binge foods.
5. Read two pages from the Big Book each night - left, then right.
6. Get down on your knees each night before bed and pray to "God".
7. Call your sponsor every morning at your agreed upon time (mine was 6:30AM!), talk to them for 15 minutes and read them what you are going to eat that day.
8. Meditate for thirty minutes
9. Read a page from the 24 Hour a Day book
10. Make three phone calls a day to other "fellows" "We call before we take the bite."
11. You may not raise your hand or participate in the group until you have 90 days of "abstinence".
12. Attend an AWOL (a way of living)

Of course if you don't follow the "suggestions," you feel guilty and shunned by the group, you feel outside and wrong. I never felt like I fit in with them and I had no time to think for myself with all the meetings and phone calls, etc. I was getting more and more angry and I finally realized that I had to leave before my head blew off. Then, I found your web site and I totally agree with so much of what you've said. I am a survivor of child abuse and I'm sorry but I'm not ready to "turn my will over." My will is what kept me alive, it's why I'm not a suicide statistic.

In FA everyone puts their dollar in the basket and everyone raises their hand and everyone uses the word GOD (I mean everyone). If you ask why they don't follow the Big Book and call their "Higher Power" by whatever name they want, they tell you, "It's just simpler to say god." Your sponsor runs your life - you could have an easy-going sponsor or a controlling psycho - they are now in charge. I had a friend in the program who's sponsor "suggested" that he go off his meds so he could join an AWOL - the last time anyone saw him he was eating an entire large double cheese pizza - now that's recovery! But I suppose he was "constitutionally incapable of being honest" - "there are those unfortunates"

People in this program do not usually talk about their problems, they talk about how great FA is. That's how peer pressure works - people act like it's a newcomer "thing" to talk about your pain. The old timers all talk about having a "life second to none," blah, blah, blah...so you start talking like that so people don't think you're just some lame-ass newcomer.

The reason I went into FA was because I had gained some weight and was feeling like I was using food to mask my feelings - just like I had done with alcohol. I did lose 67lbs in six months in FA and that's great and all but I'm now convinced I've paid a big price physiologically for doing so. My muscle definition has deteriorated (the program does not incorporate exercise), my body is stuck in starvation mode (my little primitive brain wants me to gain weight just in case there is another famine - so I still crave) It will take a long time for me to build up my strength and build up to eating enough so that my body stops thinking it's starving yet does not turn everything into fat. This is going to be a long crappy process and I'm pissed off! These people do not consider the biology of our bodies -" just ask your Higher Power to remove your hunger!" They are just putting you on a permenant diet. They do not consider vegetarians (the measurement for tofu is the same as meat while tofu has 1/3 less calories and protein than meat) or anyone who is not from the dominant straight, white culture. You must eat meat and veggies - cooked simply, etc. What if you are from another culture that has traditions etc? "Well, I'm sure they have food in their culture which is similar enough to be able to do the program." I say this is B.S

I was in AA for about a year and then stayed sober for 4 years on my own. I did not need AA to stay sober and I do not need FA to maintain my weight

I know I have been going on for a while but this is all very fresh for me having only walked out yesterday. Anyway, I know I have healing to do but I'm not doing it through a 12-step program. Thanks again for your web site, I look forward to reading more in the future.

- an FA survivor