My name is Barb and I haven't been to an AA meeting in four years. And you know what? My life's a lot better. I haven't done drugs since 1993. I quit smoking while *out* of AA (1998). Yes, I have an occassional drink (one a month, if that), but after years of being in therapy and all kinds of prescriptions for bipolar disorder--whoa! I know when to quit! And anyway, since I quit smoking, I really can't stand to be in bars; since I'm on medication, drinking doesn't agree with me.

I tried so hard to embrace AA during the three years I spent going to meetings. I was desperate, having just been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder and being told I was an alcoholic/drug addict. I needed something, but I didn't know what. My psychiatrist at the time urged me to join an outpatient rehab program, and that's when my inititation to AA began.

Deep down I knew there was something not quite right, but I couldn't put my finger on it, nor did I dare to bring it up at meetings. One thing I learned was that to question anything was a big no-no. Accept, accept, accept. Well, now I know that if you don't want to accept something, you have the choice and the right to change it--something I learned outside "the rooms."

I couldn't stand the negativity at meetings. I wanted something positive. So, I got a hobby. I joined a women's ice hockey team--something that still had...oh, how does it go? A bunch of people joined for a common purpose. Except the common purpose was to learn to skate, learn the game, learn how to sink the puck in the net. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.

The next best thing I did was go back to school. I certainly couldn't have graduated with honors if I had to spend much of my time going to meetings instead of studying. Going to meetings took up a lot of my time. So did studying. So, I chose to study.

I've reached a point now where I'm reading my old journals from when I was in AA. I was vulnerable, desperate, and because of that, easily swayed. One thing I did learn, though, is that there are other things to do for fun instead of drinking, like going to the movies, taking walks, playing sports. Anything but going to a meeting. I don't know if I learned that on my own or if I learned that by being in AA.

I preferred going to the women only meetings--even gay/lesbian meetings--because I was always afraid of the men in AA. Whenever a guy I'd never met would come over and talk to me, I was immediately suspicious of his intentions. I'm glad to know that my suspicions weren't in my head. It's sad that this happens, but at least I know I'm not the only one this has happened to.

The only thing I miss about AA is the fellowship. There *are* good people, but it's really hard to find them. Then again, I got the same fellowship from being on a hockey team. :)

I'm glad I came across your site. It encourages people to think, which is something they discourage in AA. And it looks cool.