...I've learned something interesting from going to the movies...

Let's say the lead character of a film is an self-centered egomaniac. (Using examples from the media, this character would be like Archie Bunker All in The Family, Ralph Cramden The Honeymooners or Fred Flintstone). This character is inconsiderate, he hurts people, he thinks of no one but himself. He talks down to people, and never helps anyone. The character may be an alcoholic who cares about his own feelings only. He isn't too crazy about God, because he's in direct competition with him. In essence, he thinks he is God! During the course of the film, he turns around and realizes the error of his ways. He stops drinking. He starts being more considerate of others, he stops hurting people and apologizes to those he has hurt. He learns to stop thinking of himself as God. The character will have transformed and the audience will leave with a feeling of compassion and contentment at the transformation. The audience will cheer.

Now let's say that the lead character is a submissive and dependent woman -- a compliant and acquiescent gal who gets mistreated repeatedly, whose self-esteem is defined by her oppressive partner. (Using media examples, we could say Edith Bunker) She rarely stands up for herself because she feels completely powerless. Instead of speaking up, this character may use drugs and alcohol to cope with the feelings of living this way. She allows people to treat her any way that they want, and is thus always at their mercy. Instead of utilizing the transformation necessary for her personality to come into balance, she does what the above egomaniac has done. She starts being more considerate of others (even more people-pleasing), she stops hurting people (in her eyes, she lets them get away with even more), she looks for her part in situations where she has been hurt. Perhaps her husband verbally berated her because she burned dinner. (so she apologizes to him for "her part" which in this case is burning dinner - thus perpetuating the cycle of abuse). She starts to serve the needs of others to an even greater extent. She starts to bring God into her life (even if that wasn't particularly a problem area for her). Worse yet, she begins to adopt the belief that everything that happens to her is her own fault, or that it's God's will. She may also think that developing a deep faith in God is the answer, and she may start to believe that the less action she takes, the better, because action on her part is self-will, and self-will is bad. Undoubtedly, the audience will feel disappointment at this characters transformation because she has gotten worse instead of getting better.

Unfortunately, this is what happens in the "rooms" around the world.

The authors of "Alcoholics Anonymous" - the guide for living life without alcohol, were of a certain era, of a very specific socio-economic group, and had very specific personality problems. Unfortunately, these personality problems are presented as being THE diagnosis for ALL alcoholics.

They are not.

There is an expression... "One-hundred eighty degrees from sick is still sick."

In all areas of life, we can find extremes at both ends of the spectrum.
Social skills: introvert <-> extrovert
Relationship to power: dominant <-> submissive
Eating disorder: obesity <-> anorexia
Work: workaholic <-> sloth
Sex: Sex addict <-> frigid/impotent
Interpersonal skills: bully <-> doormat

The Big Book was originally written in the thirties. Except for one personal recovery story, the authors of the Big Book were all male. They were white. They were professionals. Even if the entirety of the nation was suffering from economic depression, the founders of the AA program were in a fairly high position in the hierarchial society of their day. (Dr. Bob was a proctologist, Bill W. a stockbroker) The men of this class, especially at that time, had a great deal of authority over their wives and families. As this was the group who was the "highest on the totem pole", it makes perfect sense that they needed to deflate their egos, get humble and come down to size. This also explains the choice of words AA uses for God - namely "Higher Power". Higher indicates the need for a symbolic "other" to counterbalance the overinflated sense of self worth that someone who is at the top in a hierarchy would have, and "power" is indicative of what is being counterbalanced. These particular men used and abused their power which was automatically granted to them by being born into a racist, classist, sexist society which was geared to cater to the needs of individuals exactly like them, at the expense of women, children and people of color. The founding fathers could have used any number of expressions for God, like "inner spirit", "universal good", "benevolent spirit", but they didn't... they chose "Higher Power." There are no coincidences...

If the program were being worked correctly on a larger scale, there would be two distinct things happening in the rooms. The egomaniacs would be getting humble, and the passive/dependents would be learning skills of assertiveness and independence. The latter group should really be in CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), if they were to choose a 12 Step Program at all! Unfortunately, AA the program and its literature leans HEAVILY toward correcting the personality flaws of the egomaniac, and not the passive/dependent. In fact, most of the things that the passive/dependent needs to do to "recover" and thus bring her personality into balance, are labeled as "self-will" and are thus flat-out discouraged in the Big Book.

Why do so many women fall into the passive/dependent category? Because our culture reinforces and rewards this behavior. If it isn't passivity and dependency from which the woman suffers, their oppression may show itself in self-objectification, self-commodification which mirrors current unhealthy cultural messages for their gender. Many men will "reward" with their approval, this oppressed behavior in women, because when women adopt these self- subjugating roles, men are able to maintain the "powerful" image that our culture demands of them. (also a form of oppression, but a less damaging form than what women have to contend with)

Rather than ebracing their own power (something that Women's Empowerment groups can really help with), women tend to doubt their power. Why? Because the experience of women in our current sexist/classist/racist world is that most of the power is held by men. Eventually, life in this patriarchial world takes its toll, as it undermines the woman's sense of personal power, until ultimately, they begin to buy into their own oppression. Charlotte Davis Kasl has written a wonderful book > "Many Roads, One Journey -- Moving Beyond the 12 Steps") in which she describes the problem which really plagues most women -- inernalized oppression. A woman who has not found her power will probably need to seek out a man who has power, just so she can survive. A woman with a sense of personal power can pick and choose more carefully, because she doesn't have to find a man to meet her survival needs. No one can survive in this world without a sense of personal power, and the message that AA projects of "accepting our powerlessness" often reinforces this defeatist thinking which is the problem many women start with! If you need a crash course in women's issues (like so many newly recovering women alcoholics do) here's a wonderful link you may want to explore.

Often, it is these issues (and not sinfullness!!) which truly contribute to women's lack of serenity. It is true that there are many women in AA who understand this problem, but there is a process of enlightenment which they must go through to arrive there. Mentally, the women must work around the patriarchial God as presented in the Big Book (there is only one God dontchaknow... may you find HIM now), and must know when to discard ideas which are really designed for counterbalancing the harmful effects of traditional male socialization. Not easy to do for unenlightened newcomer women, especially if they don't find a knowledgeable sponsor. This process of enlightenment is not something that the men who fit the AA model have to struggle with at all. (note that there are many men who do not fit the AA model either -- they too have similar trouble to what the women experience)

The entire working portion of the AA program (the first 164 pages of the Big Book, as well as the entire 12 & 12) had no input whatsoever from women. If you have further doubts as to the sexist nature of the AA program, I suggest reading the "To Wives" chapter. It's important to note that although Lois wanted to write this chapter, Bill W. insisted that he do it (I'm sure he didn't want Lois to strain her delicate hand by gripping a pen). Bill writes from a woman's point of view (using "we" language). Here is a description of the alcoholics (the husbands) who are described therein...

Bill states over and over that despite her husband's actions, she should keep in mind that he really loves her. Wow! If this is love, I'd hate to see what domestic violence and emotional abuse looks like! Fortunately he does advise women to leave those men who are irreparably abusive, but the level of tolerance that the wife is to show before that decision is made, is indescribable and unrealistic by today's standards. (thank goodness!) The To Wives chapter truly shows the sad fate which can befall women who lack self-sufficiency and are overly dependent upon men.

Personally, I feel that if the wives had alcoholic husbands who were THAT abusive, it would have been better to replace that entire chapter with the following five words...

The Women for Sobriety recovery program was founded as a response to these gender related issues. They have two very useful and inexpensive ($2.00) pamphlets on these very subjects "Problems of Gender" and "WFS and AA"

Nevertheless, the opening line to the "To Wives" chapter states specifically that AA's recovery program works equally well for women. Sure, if the woman wishes to meet the ideal described by Bill in this chapter.

Sadly, even today, criticism of the program itself is dismissed with the statement that the AA just "didn't work the program right". The paradigm itself is never to be questioned. This is a typical characteristic of cults, and AA DOES IN FACT share some similarities to cults. If the passive/dependent individual suffers because she did exactly what was told in the book. (Completely give yourself to this simple program, thoroughly follow our path), the suffering will be her own fault! (nice circular logic there eh?) Of course the passive/dependent should have known that deflating the ego and getting humble really means building up self-esteem. Unfortunately, reference books and schools do not teach it this way.

As I've already pointed out, more women than men fall into the passive/dependent category. Historically, women have been socialized to be passive, to be caretakers, they are often discouraged from expressing anger. They are trained to soothe the hurts of others and overlook their own hurts.

Those of us women who have adopted our traditional gender role and practice it to the point where we are hurt by it, will gain benefit from learning skills of assertiveness, learning to recognize abuse, learning to speak up for and stand up for ourselves, and working on raising our self-esteem.

Unfortunately, Bill Wilson had no true understanding of women... Ooops! I retract that... he had an in-depth knowledge of them in one capacity!

Many women who work the program as it's written in the Big Book without first gaining an awareness of what it means to be regarded as the subordinate gender in our culture, are actually setting back the feminist movement by about 60 years. This AA "humble woman" fits nicely into the outdated sexist male gender myth of what women are supposed to be, and because of this, the humble women may even get positive reinforcement from the unenlightened or manipulative men in the rooms. Think about it... these are the characteristics of the "new woman" who rigorously follows "our path": negative self-image, self blame, "letting it go" versus standing up for oneself, obeying authority. Doesn't this sound like the pre-feminism nightmare that your grandmother lived in?

I fail to understand why women subject themselves to this cruel experiment... is this the price to be paid for group support within AA? Many intelligent women in the rooms have come up with creative interpretations of the program and the principles in order to avoid falling too deeply into the more oppressive traps, but since upholding the principles of the program is seeped in tradition, few women will challenge them outright. Instead the women do a type of awkward dance around the steps, trying to make the program fit - a program which was written by men, for men.

Another phenomenon I've observed is that of an unenlightened woman swallowing AA's spiritual pill and thus lower her defenses by adopting the belief that God is taking care of everything, she can relax now, and "just let things happen". What a temptation this must be for thirteenth steppers! Having swallowed the spiritual pill, she may even mistake the thirteenth stepping predator as being sent by God to help her! Will someone pass the barf bag? Thirteenth steppers are frequently found chasing or dating younger AA members or members with significantly less time. (because they are easier targets due to their unenlightened status and internalized oppression!) These thirteenth steppers can often heard making statements such as "powerlessness is quite empowering", or they push the Big Book on "doormat types" with a great deal of conviction and authority due to the fact that they have so much Sober Time. (these jerks can be men or women I'm using the male pronoun for simplicity)

In fact, I can recall several instances when an unenlightened woman who wasn't yet hip to these fact would share a self-depreciating snippet of her life, in which she took the blame for the hurtful behavior of a man (under the guise of owning her part), and was congratulated by a "Sober Man" for doing so. Examples are as follows:

1. My boyfriend cheated on me because I let myself go.
2. I was raped because I was out late at night and was drunk.
3. He hit me because I didn't watch my mouth.

1. Cheat on women if their bodies are less than perfect. (A more proper response is for either partner to discuss problems in a relationship in a straightforward way, remedy them if possible, and if not, end the relationship with honesty and respect for each other)
2. Rape women who are drunk or out at night. (A more proper response is to have improved rape laws which serve women better instead of humiliate them further, and cultural enlightenment all around to stop blaming rape victims for the actions of another... women should not have to live in little boxes to "protect themselves"-- when they do, it is called oppression!)
3. Dominate and control women. (A more proper response is for women to stand up for themselves. Any time we allow this type of behavior, we train men to treat all women poorly)