When I entered AA I was 29 years old, I had three children under 8, a husband and a house in the burbs. We weren't happy, really. We used from the time we met in a casual way. Then came cocaine. That took over fast.

I started drinking after coke so that I could get at least a bit of sleep. It took alot of drinking to get me there. But the important thing was coke. It takes over fast. One year later, totally out of control, I landed in a rehab in the states. They told me that addiction was addiction...that addicted to one substance meant addicted to all. I think they called it cross addiction back then.

When I got out of treatment I stayed sober for 8 months. My husband and I drank together that night. Within two years my life was destroyed. I left the marriage and stopped drinking, went to AA. We shared custody of our kids.

I can remember going to meetings and being absolutely SHOCKED by women who confessed that they couldn't care for their children because of the addiction. That'll never happen to me was about the only thought I had. And as we all know, It is a fact of life that a mother losing custody of her kids is a strong indication of her failure as a human being in general. Puts her right up there with the rest of the Jerry Springer crowd.

Raising three kids .... it was pretty difficult getting to all of those meetings the AA people told me to get to. 90 meetings/90 days. It was crucial for my sobriety, they insisted. I believed them. I couldn't do it though, because I couldn't afford the babysitting, I couldn't spend that much time away from my children, I was poor (still am), it just wasn't an option.

It was incredibly stressful. I was offered rides to meetings from members who tried to hit on me. My husband became jealous and resentful.

That anger/resentment would lead to drink, I had no right to my anger. Every word that came out of my mouth that wasn't completely agreeable was greeted with patronizing chuckles and was never explored by them or me, until much later.

I relapsed a year later and went on a tear for a year. I saw my kids at their dad's house only. It was insane. I became involved with a man from AA after that first clean year, and the relationship deteriorated into violence, fear, and drinking. I lost custody of my children. They lost me.

So it's three years later - I got away from the violence, lived in a battered woman's shelter for six horrible months, and my children and I are now reunited.

I've been sober since the day I quit AA. I can't help but wonder if that confused desperate person I was back then had been really listened to.... If i hadn't gone I think my self confidence would have returned much more quickly, instead of being further eroded. I was told to ignore my own voice. I will never NEVER do that again, and the idea that it's happening to other people out there right now hurting as I was and being treated as I was, a well of sorrow just bubbles up to the surface and makes me feel so incredibly sad.

And that's my experience, strength and hope.