You ask how I was harmed by AA... here goes.

My mother had a drinking problem. And although I never met him, her father had one too. My mother was in and out of AA and treatment for about seven years before she died. AA didn't seem to help her either. In my late 20s when my drinking became troublesome, I figured that I had to go to AA. I have always though of myself as being open minded, but I never felt like I fit in at AA. I would go to meetings, try to go early, and go out for coffee afterwards, but always felt out of place. Once in a while a meeting would be uplifting. Most of the time they were depressing, and all I wanted to do was get out of there and away from those people.

I didn't fit in. So I figured that I would be more careful with my drinking. That went on for about two years. But I kept having problems because I was drinking too much. I decided to go in for treatment. You know, where you pay money to have people tell you that "You have to go to AA if you want to stop drinking." I will never forget that the first thing that a counselor told our group was " Two out of three of people will fail." and that "There is probably something other than AA out there, but I don't know of anything else that works."

I sure felt good about dropping $3000.00 for those pearls of wisdom.

You would think that a drug addiction counselor would try any and all methods to help someone to stop drinking, even if it only had a slight chance of helping. So it was back to AA for more depressing meetings.

Why don't I fit in? I must be doing something wrong. But what? I have to get a sponsor. The people who were willing to be a sponsor were way too neurotic. They had no life outside of AA. I sure don't want to call them every day. I have to do a fourth step. I have harmed some people, who hasn't? But is this the root of my problem? I know people without a drinking problem who have harmed a lot more people than I have. I am so confused! Well I have had enough of AA. I just won't drink.

That worked for a while, but I would keep hearing what I had learned at AA. You can't just quit. If you don't go to meetings you will drink. It came down to a choice. Go to AA or keep drinking. I choose to keep drinking. That went on for another two years. Then I got so fed up with my life, I decided to give treatment another chance. You can not believe how happy and relieved I was when I wound up in a hospital that offered an alternative to AA. It turned out that I wasn't crazy! They were teaching Rational Recovery, a way to stop drinking... period. No endless meetings or spiritual betterment, just life long abstinence. That was over five years ago. That hospital doesn't teach Rational Recovery anymore, I heard that if the hospital wanted to keep getting payment from Medicaid and social security they had to stop RR and only use AA based treatment. It took about two years before I fully believed that I had ended my addiction. It took that long to unlearn the teachings of AA, to start believing in myself, and stop worrying that my next drink was going jump up and get me. Rational Recovery taught me that drinking is a choice, and I have the ability to make a commitment to life long abstinence. That is what I have done. I have left behind all the self doubt and insecurities that AA had instilled in me. Today my life is good! ...not without problems, but being clear headed, there is nothing I can't handle.

Keith Mohill kmo170@yahoo.com

It's time to get your brain out of hock.