I just glanced through your web site. I do believe this site is important. I also believe that many alcoholics do need to plant roots in AA and recover first before they start to think about independence. They don't know how to live without a crutch and if AA needs to be that crutch for a while, so be it. I believe the damage comes in when your whole life becomes AA, including family.

Here's my story:

I started in Alanon in September 1989. I was harassed a lot about being a member of that group even though my boyfriend was an alcoholic and my father was an alcoholic. I thought the people in Alanon were not all that bright. Nevertheless, I was very fortunate to find a good group. When a member would go on and on about their drunk, the group would focus on solutions. And I do mean solutions. They were not wimps when it came to that. I just couldn't understand why anyone would put up with some of the abuse they did.

I was "working" the Alanon program and had a sponsor. I went to AA meetings to be a "good" Alanon. I liked those groups much, much better. I ended up joining AA on 6/16/90. I was 22 years old and very confused. The group I got involved with was very strict. You talked the talked, you walked where they walked, you did what they did, you could not have you own thoughts. I was told where to live, where to work, where to go to meetings, when to "get involved" in AA worthy causes, and told what events to attend (whether I could afford it or not). When I objected to any of the "suggestions" I was told they would no longer sponsor me.

I went through my share of sponsors because some things were just unacceptable to me, and I would rather think for myself. I did get my head straight, but then hit 3.5 years of sobriety. At that time, I was going through a difficult time and no longer trusted my sponsor. I got a new sponsor that "took me under her wing". She hand-picked my friends and dates. I didn't object too much at this point. I had agreed to follow her suggestions when we talked about sponsorship.

Now being 25 at the time, I was attractive, yet I wore clothes that where 1-2 sizes too big for me so I wouldn't show my body. I went to "AA swimming" parties, but only in long shorts and an oversized shirt. I was trying to fit in. I began to look "homely" and at 26 with the figure I had, "homely" was the last thing I should have looked. I eventually couldn't take it anymore and switched sponsors again. I was told I was not conforming and would never stay sober. At that they were correct. But not because of the reasons they told me. They told me I would get drunk if I stopped going to meetings, stopped sponsoring and being sponsored, stopped reading, and all the other things that go with being a "good AA member". What they really needed to say was "if you're an alcoholic" you'll get drunk and go back to your old life (the old life I didn't want).

After 7.5 years of sobriety, I picked up a drink. I drank one glass of wine and didn't want to drink again. There were no bells, no whistles, nothing. I had told my first sponsor at 3 months I didn't think I was an alcoholic. She of course didn't listen. The truth is, that I'm not an alcoholic, and by getting out of the "game" I was able to recover from my addiction to 12-step groups. My life has turned around since that day. I feel more comfortable with myself. On every AA "chip" there is a saying "To Thine Own Self Be True". That is the best advice I could ever have received. I trust my gut, my spirituality has soared, and I actually like who I am. I always thought there was something wrong with me when I was in a 12-step group because I was always told there was something wrong with me.

Please don't get me wrong. I still believe that 12-step groups help people, I just also believe that people know what they need and shouldn't have to listen to anyone else but God and their inner voice. If sponsors would "guide" the newcomer through the program just help them find answers rather than drilling the information, more people would probably stay sober. The key is you need a sincere desire and you need to be an alcoholic. Listen, learn, and believe in yourself. "To Thine Own Self Be True".